I’m failing as a Christian

The other day after playing hoops on my medication I noticed that after I was done I couldn’t see my hands.  I had tunnel vision.  It’s a freaky feeling but one I’ve had before so it didn’t concern me, I knew what was coming next though, a migraine.

As the vision came back my head started to swell, I lost feeling in my right hand and my stomach began to feel nauseous.  It was at this time I turned on my worship music courtesy of Passion Band and Pandora and began to speak in tongues.  The first five minutes it was under my breath.  I was on my way to McDonald’s to grab a sausage McMuffin and hi-c orange drink.  (Playing almost two hours of hoops warrants a McDonald’s purchase ONCE IN A WHILE).

A couple of minutes away from grabbing breakfast my head started to get worse and I felt like I was going to throw up.  My prayer in my spiritual language increased in volume and I began to shout and rebuke the headache repeatedly with statements like…

“You will not dictate my day.”

“You have no authority over me.”

Driving through to get my order I lowered my voice but kept speaking in tongues. Once I got my food I turned up my vocal volume to ten this time quoting one of my favorite lines from POD.

“IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?”  I screamed and I white knuckled my steering wheel.  I began to breathe heavy, still loudly speaking in tongues.

“Bwhahahahahahaha, you got nothing on me.”  I laughed.

Two minutes later the migraine went from a 10 on the scale to a 1 and I didn’t think it was a big deal.  For I had too much to do that day and a migraine wasn’t going to slow me down.  It wasn’t a question of ‘belief’ I knew God would answer my prayer.  My faith was sky high, I was even expecting  him too.  Once I felt the healing power on me is when I taunted the migraine.

So why is it that I can do that and not heal others of their pain and suffering?  It’s a question I have asked myself time and time again since working in downtown Seattle.  There are so many sick and hurting on the streets and even if I could give them money I don’t think I would.

homeless-feet

Time for me to be transparent so stay with me.

I know I’m failing my Christian grade because…

I’ve been baptized by the holy spirit and I won’t pray in my spiritual language in public for fear of what people will think of me. 

Lindsay and I have been married for 13  years and I still don’t openly pray in the spirit in front of her.  It’s like my ace card which I use when I’m at a state of disbelief or feel that I need an extra boost of some kind.  If people are around, including my wife, I will do it under my breath.

There is power in tongues, for those that don’t think so you are wrong.  Don’t care to debate this with you, I have seen it in action countless times.  Those that want to debate with me probably have not experienced it or seen the power it holds.  Therefor a complete waste of everyone’s time.

That’s why I started with an example of something as simple as a migraine.  Praying in the unknown tongue is powerful.  This is different than tongues and prophecy, this is the unknown tongue, the open up a can of red bull, jolt of power that comes from chatting with God in your heavenly language.

I’m embarrassed because it’s not cool to do that and I’m one of those cool cat Christians…don’t really want to offend someone.  Meanwhile what could God do with my confidence and power that Jesus gave the disciples when he left. It was the holy spirit. I am filled with the Holy Spirit yet I don’t utilize this the smallest of the gifts: Grade:  D-

I can count on one hand how many times I’ve shared the good news over the past 10 years.
When I went to college I shared the good news from the stage.  It was easy, people brought us in and we sang about God’s goodness.  But off the stage I’m pathetic.  I’m afraid of rejection.  I used to tell everyone that my style is not to convert anyone and I’ll let my life be my voice.  Baloney.  That’s not was Jesus did.  Jesus audibly shared the good news and physically healed the sick.  What a powerful combination.

Now, I want to clarify something.  I still don’t believe it’s my job to convert anyone.  But it is my job to spread the seed and be a fisher of men.  I’m scared of rejection if I have the one on one talk about the afterlife.  I’m scared that I’m going to mess up what God may want to do by saying the wrong thing.

Garbage.

It’s an excuse and a pathetic one at that.  I’ve been praying that the Lord would help me and provide an opportunity to share the good news once a week to a stranger.  But if there is a tutor out there to help me improve my grade in this I’m all ears.  And pastors need not apply.  I need someone that is an example in the marketplace.  There is a disconnect from pastors that don’t work at a real job in how they ask us to evangelize.  And do they ask us to evangelize?  It used to be bring a friend to a twice a year tent rally and we would go holy ghost style on our unsaved buddies.  Those days are gone unfortunately.

This irritates me the most about my faith which means it will probably be the first one I’ll improve on in this my Christian grade card.  Grade:  D+

I don’t believe God will heal when praying for healing.
One of my favorite bible stories is Peter and John walking along the street and a beggar asks them for money.  Peter responded with “Silver and Gold have I none, but pick up your mat and walk.”

The man picked up his map and walked away with a gift!

Dang that rocks my world.  I want to do that.  I was discussing this with one of my good friends of how powerful we would be as a church if we were regularly healing people without expecting anything from them in return…like their salvation.  I said we don’t do it because we can’t and my buddy made an interesting point:  We don’t know if Peter and John did this all the time and this is the only one that got healed. 

The reason I don’t pray for healing over an obvious illness or handicap is because I’m afraid my lack of faith will not get him healed and then what?  I’ve embarrassed my savior and king.  I walked by a man in a wheelchair downtown and he had no legs.   He was struggling to get up the hill on Union street.  I asked  him, “hey do you want me to push you up?” He was a little surprised but said ‘sure.’  Oh how I wish I could lean over touch his filthy knee cap and believe in the name of Jesus that his legs would grow back.  Can you imagine?  That man would be dancing on the streets of Seattle.  The reason I don’t pray for that is I don’t want to get the man’s hopes up.  I believe in healing so why don’t I randomly pray over strangers that are obviously sick?  Think of what it would do to my ‘telling of the good news’ statistics.  Ha!

I’m tired of the ‘healed of my back’ stories; I want to see limbs grow back, growths removed and the healing of Aids to name a few.   All by the faith that we have in God our Father.  This needs the most work. Grade:  F

Going to church outside of where I live
I live about 30 minutes from my church.   So if I were to go to both services two of my hours each Sunday would be spent in my car.  I don’t like that so we only go to the morning service.

Because of this I don’t ask my in town friends to come to church with us.  If I don’t like the drive, what makes me think they like the drive?  This thought of doubt is another selfish attribute that I’m asking the Lord to change.  That said, something has to change.  I do believe you should go to a church in the area you live for community is so valuable and the church should serve within it’s community.

Grade C

My Heart
The bible says your actions are a reflection of your heart.  Don’t be fooled by these knuckleheads that try and tell you ‘you don’t know my heart.’  Well, according to the bible we kind of do and how you act is right on with where your heart is at.  That doesn’t mean we should treat you any differently, we just know there is a process God is doing with you.

My heart is in the right place and that is fantastic news.  Now that I’ve realized my shortcomings on this report card I can start to think outside my comfort zone and improve my overall grades of being a representation of Jesus Christ. Grade:  A

I don’t want to be a failing Christian, I don’t want to just make it to Heaven and I’ll be the first to let you know, I’m not the only one that needs to improve his grades as it relates to being fishers of men.

Shall we try to improve together?

Instead of trying to change the world, can we try and change ourselves?  Our fears and insecurities.

Please join me and keep it up, something good is on the horizon.

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